Where we Begin

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

I am pregnant ... Hear me roar!

  I am now 37 weeks pregnant. This is the longest I have been pregnant, with my other two kids I delivered at 35 wk's. Two extra weeks that I'm not used to. I'm always tired and sleeping has become impossible! I'm happy with four hours, which doesn't happen very often anymore. I used to be a bear,sleeping was my hobby. Any who ... the cravings with this pregnancy have been minimal and its usually stuff I have in the fridge. or something I can just go grab with no complications.
I'm still doing the cooking thing which is awesome because with my son we ate out three times a day the last month. I know how horrible and unhealthy!but there are exceptions to the rules. On Monday I just didn't want to so I decided to try out papa johns. Pretty good deals on Mondays. I pull up and see a picture of cheesy bread. I instantly had to HAVE it!! I just had to! it was this crazy must have that or I will cry moment. I know right, cheesy bread? I send Rene in to order the pizza while I ran to Kroger. The girl taking the order was just sooo thrilled to be there that day!( I'm being sarcastic) she was so unpleasant and must have made Rene nervous or something because homeboy ended up getting bread sticks. (actually she just confused him) she called them cheese sticks. cheese sticks to us is something totally different. so ill cut him some slack  .... I open the box to find rock looking BREAD STICKS!! nothing cheesy or appealing about them at all!

I am very calm. go with the flow kind of gal. I do not like confrontation. I keep my mouth shut in order to avoid any weirdness. Well that's all fun and dandy when I'm not pregnant! I am as big as a house. I am miserable and all I'm asking for is some dang cheesy sticks!!
I get off  the car wobble my butt inside and .... (here is how it went down)

me: hi, I wanted to exchange these bread sticks for cheesy bread
girl: cheese sticks?(Attitude might I add) he said he didn't want them
me: yes cheese sticks (irritated voice) oh btw he didn't want them because you totally confused him with the whole cheese stick part. 
girl: it ill be $1.50 more you still want them?
me: it doesn't matter ill pay the difference I just want the CHEESY bread and btw I would really love it if you changed your attitude just a tad ... thanks! there was confusion because of your attitude
girl: staring at me blankly ... they'll be right out. (it took about five minutes to get them out and about every five seconds I heard her rushing the guy! hahaha)
girl: oh don't worry about the difference

I get back in the car with my cheesy bread and some kind of satisfaction radiating on my face.  Rene is looking at me in disbelief. I cant believe you just did that, he says. I look at him and say me either! I'm telling you its a killer craving! "wow, I know never to mess with your cheesy bread he says". I like this side of you! (secretly so do I!)
Well I must say I enjoyed me some cheesy bread! I'm def super pregnant and sleep deprived so don't aggravate me because deep down somewhere I  have some kind spine!
So yes this was my prego drama of the week so far! I must sound like a fatty! just wanted to share a little of my crazy!
btw im writing this at 2:57 am bc again sleeping doesn't exist right about now!

Friday, March 23, 2012

In Gods time ...

These past few months have been a little hectic. With me being super pregnant and having a three and two yr old with me all day, well ... you get the idea. Rene's vision has also gotten worse. That adds to my stress. It is very hard not to let that get to me. About a month ago we went to see a retinal specialist. expecting some kind of hope. Maybe to get informed on clinical trials taking place somewhere. ummm yeah no hope what so ever. More like yep you're going blind .... have a nice day! It was a very discouraging day.

Those are the words of a MAN! .... why am I believing discouraging words from a MAN. He may be a doctor but he is not God. At the end of the day he is a simple MAN.

Since then God has been dealing with me and my heart. I truly believe in miracles. I mean huge miracles! I know that Rene will be healed. No Dr, no medicine .... but supernaturally! through God and nothing else. The thing is I don't know when. well  that is the hard part .... the waiting.

God has used people in my life to confirm this to me for about 6 years now. I was to the point,where it didn't make a difference any more. I kept hearing the same thing "God will heal Rene, but in God's time" ... I thought how annoying! God please do not tell me you are going to do something if it is going to take 20 years! ... We as human beings are very impatient. We want what we want and we want it NOW!

So six years later on the edge of just giving up. about to accept the fact that this is our reality. That I will be married to a blind man.
God grabs my hand and says ..."I have made you a promise. these six years you have not been alone. I have been there. There are many things in your heart that do not allow me to proceed with my plans. My plans of true and complete healing. You and Rene are one now. what affects you affects him and vice versa."you have unbelief in your heart, you have become bitter, and angry with me and that doesn't allow me to work in your life".

So this is where I am now ... working on these issues! I will not let the enemy steal my blessing! I will not let negative words of a simple man steal my blessings(huge ones). Healing is coming soon! very soon and I will not let my selfishness and ignorance get in the way!!!

I also share this with you because maybe there is a huge mountain in your way that just doesn't seem to move. You have begged and pleaded to God to remove it .... and it remains. God may want to deal with your heart first. There is a reason it is still there. Believe me if you just take a second to listen to Gods voice he'll let you know what you need to do. Never stop trusting and believing!

p.s ... stay tuned bc God is doing big things in our lives and I cant wait to share, maybe it ill make a difference in yours!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

About a boy ...

This is about a boy I met 10 years ago . A boy that was too shy to talk to me. A boy that I madly fell in love with. 
Rene I love you very much. We have literally have been through some up's and down's. No one said it was gonna be easy and it sure hasn't. even in our darkness you make things brighter. I love that I can tell you anything maybe even things I shouldn't, lol. I know I talk your head off at times but that makes me love you even more. Life gets hard with this disease and some days are harder than others. I know I  can be cranky in the mornings but like I said in my vows 7 yrs ago, I will be your eyes when you cant see. I will hold your hand in the midst of darkness. You have taught me so much these past 10 years. I learn everyday how brave you really are.I couldn't walk one day in your shoes. You are one of the strongest people I know. Despite our situation you get up every morning and go to work to provide for me and our kids. You don't wallow in your misery instead you try to give us the most normal life possible. I love your courage and determination to succeed. I wish I could trade places with you, If even for one day so you could see through my eyes. I am beyond proud of you. God has truly blessed me with you. You are my best friend, my companion my soul mate. At times I don't understand why we have to go through this but I know and believe you will be healed. Our testimony will touch and heal others ... until then I will continue to fight the good fight by your side.
you have grown up before my eyes into a great man, husband, father.

but in my eyes you will always be the boy in the bumble bee shirt who said no to my sprees!
I love you Rene Carrasco.

Monday, January 16, 2012

A little about me!

there's more to me than you know.....
I love the cold. cheesecake is my favorite. I am beyond sensitive. Im super shy. Im a pushover. Im waaaay to nice. people pleaser! dont get sports. green is my favorite color. Im not as strong as I portray to be. I cry to sad movies. Im good at tuning ppl out. I believe in love. Wished I had sisters that were also my best friends! I become anti social at differnt times of the year. I love cows! I have a sweet tooth. I hate to ask for help. I talk alot! Once im comfortable im a goof ball. I like driving. I think the most when Im driving. I want to have an emmalove empire. I sigh alot bc Its one of my favorite things. sometimes I forget to breathe(literally!) I laugh when Im nervous or scared! I cant see ppl fall bc I laugh.(I really cant help it) I cant see any type of liquid come out of ppls mouth bc I will throw up. Im an only child.I hate change. Im scared rene will go completely blind. I dont answer the phone most of the time. I am really bad at txting back. I love quiet time.I am very gullible. I Love orange juice.I tell rene everything. I am very random.
.... this was relaxing,

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

How to cope! ... with God that's how!

Well it has been a while since Ive wrote anything! boy do I need to vent. It has been a very hectic long month. changes everywhere. So like I said in the beggining, this will be my outlet. .... here it goes.

I dont think I have really explained what R.P is. It is short for retinitis pigmentosa! such an ugly name for a horrible disease!
Karen's definition : this disease affects the cone and rod cells in the retina. slowly but surely it does away with peripheral vison  and the ability to see in dim and dark places its a progressive disease that eventually leads to complete blindness. oh and most importantly there is no bloody cure!

..... well up to this weekend .... I had been feeling sorry for myself. Wishing that I had a normal life with less responsibilities. I wished I had a R.P free life. To be able to do things with my husband that we cant do now. I was throwing myself a pity party and was mad at the world for not understanding for thinking that my life was great. when I felt like it was horrible. I was even mad at God for putting me in this situation. I would cry out to him in anger and question him! "why would you give me this?" I would cry out. "im not strong I cant bear such a burden" .... I never gave God a chance to respond. I had hardened my heart. I was angry. I was bitter. Ten years of this and how many more to go? that was my mentality.

This sunday at church was amazing .... God was going to speak to me ... I liked it or not!
It began by his love just overwhelming me .... by feeling loved a genuine love. My father knew I needed to be hugged by him. To be held in his beautiful presence. "why are you trying to be strong?" he said to me?
Isn't that  what you want, I thought. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do, isn't that the whole purpose?
"no silly karen, Not at all"
I have chosen you to bear this because you have heart, because you have chosen to listen. You could of walked out a long time ago but you are still fighting the good fight, but you are trying to do this alone. You will fail without me. Grab my hand and let me lead you.
Then like a ray a light beaming from the sky it came to me!
What have I been doing?????? ..... this is not even about me! this is about you GOD! this is about bringing glory to your name. Through it all I know he walks beside me. when I want to give up all I have to do is reach out and know he will grab my hand and lead me the right way.
SO ...... R.P is part of my life I like it or not but It doesn't run  my life! I know God has bigger plans for My family and I. I will hold on to his promises!

P.S ... you can get more info on r.p at blindness.org. :)


Monday, July 18, 2011

Lord bring the rain

Rain is not one of my favorite things! .... Especially right now. Everything becomes dark. Darkness is not my friend either. The carrascos try stay away from any kind of darkness. Im talking about literal darkness. Since Rene cant see in the dark. When I say the carrascos I mean all of us. My brother in law also suffers with R.P so his family copes with this too. As I sat in my room just listening to the rain .... A mini movie played in my head. All the tribulation in my life. all the heartache. Not only mine but of ppl close to me. I thought God, why? Especially today. 
I felt his presence.... "there is drought and famine in your heart" ..... 
"I will refresh your soul" I will flood you with rest.
I sat there and just listened to this rain that was more than mere water falling from the sky. As I opened my eyes there was a little bit of light coming through my window. The darkness was gone and light was returning! 
Yes Lord bring the rain! I believe this rain to be a sign. Prophetic rain of what is to come! .... I want to be filled!
For the first time ... I welcome the rain with arms wide open! come and renew us lord! we are in desperate need of you!